


Reasons

by Sarah_Victoria_Cullen



Category: Hellsing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6290563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah_Victoria_Cullen/pseuds/Sarah_Victoria_Cullen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People always have reasons for why they do what they do...it's no different for a certain young vampire either. Just a little something that popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reasons

**This idea came to me as I was busy working on one of my other various stories. I'm not sure why, but the second I thought of it I had to get it written down. This isn't a chapter story. Hell it might even be called a drabble or vignette. I'm not even sure what to call it, but that doesn't matter. All I know is that this is what came to my mind.**

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Weak?

I'm not weak.

I'm not powerless. Sure I'm not powerful, but I have my reasons for not drinking. Most wouldn't understand, while others would gaze at me in sympathy. I don't want pity. I don't want contempt. What I want is for someone to understand my reasons. However, I can't bring myself to ask that. Not of my Master or his master. Or anyone for that matter. People can think whatever they want, it won't change things. I'm not sure if I want things to change.

Of course, after a while, I sit in my room thinking that maybe I should just do as I'm told.

I can't.

I can't bring myself to destroy that which fights so hard to stay alive. But there is other side of me that struggles to make me understand. And I do. Believe me I do. But I can't.

I can't give in to what my new nature wishes for.

I can't become something so inhuman.

But I'm not human anymore, am I? So why do I bother fighting? In a sense I am killing myself. I fought so hard to live. I made the choice to live instead of die all those months ago. So why am I fighting so hard to deny what I have become? What is the reason for this sense of retaining my humanity? Ah, there it is.

Fear.

I am afraid of what I've become. Pretty sure that this isn't what I had asked for...no, it is. I didn't want to die. So I chose this instead.

No, I'm not weak.

Not in that sense.

After all I did fight to remain alive. I fought against something that wanted to not only rape me, but drain me dry. To make me a slave. So no, I am not weak. I have the will. I have the strength for that. It's the refusal to drink the blood that's making me weak. Preventing me from staying strong enough to fight when that strength would be needed the most. I can understand why Master gets so angry with me. I don't blame him at all. Not a bit. Hell, I'm even angry with myself.

But still.

I have my reasons for not drinking and becoming stronger.

I feel like that I don't need it to be great. After all, denying that which one needs to survive takes a kind of strength that most don't have—that and I don't want to become a killer. I know, I know. Technically I am one. No, that's false. I am a killer. A predator, but that's part of what scares me too. I feel if I gave in and drank. Allowed myself to become the monster that lurks inside I'll enjoy it. Too much. I don't want to enjoy it. That's why I fight.

Why can't anyone understand that?

Why will no one understand my reasons?

Is it because they too fear?

Seems rather strange to me. However, I do not believe that that is the reason for their lack of wanting to understand my own. It has to be something else. But whatever their reasons are...let them know this…

I still have my own.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Yeah...like I said, I have no idea where in the world this came from, but it just popped into my head and wouldn't leave me the hell alone. Pretty sure anyone who has seen the anime or read the manga will be able to tell who is speaking. It's a no brainer for crying out loud. Anyhoo, I have no idea what to say right now so I'll just leave it here. XD Till next time!**


End file.
